Jenny asks…
how does this poem sound so far?
"Winter"
In the afternoon, there are merry sounds
Coming from the animals that are abound
There is much fluttering among the birds
Their chirping almost comes across as words
The spry shoots of the plants that rise
Seem to go upwards towards the skies
The roses draw life from the abundant land
Resulting in a vibrant color that is no longer bland
The twittering soon lessens, then rapidly grows
As the beginnings of a chilly wind blows
A distinct diminishing of the light
As the the sun sinks out of sight
The sky changes from yellow to red
Filling me with a sense of dread
Freezing air erupts all around
As the moonlight hits the ground
Once the remaining warmth is chased away
I hold my breath as the clouds turn gray
Numbing moisture is drifting in the air
Coating my arms that are bare
Frosting quickly, ice forms upon the ground
As blustery winds come forth to surround
Wafting above the dark mud
The coldness closes upon a flower bud
Picking them up, held close to me
They appear dead, as far as I can see
Brown stems, once green, hang slack
With petals that appear slightly black
Their frangrance seems no longer strong
The drooping petals are just wrong
With the dying flora comes the fear
That there will be no more beauty near
Along with the animals cries of pain
It feels as if our fate has been sealed, like a chain
admin answers:
My major problem with it is that it takes a really long time to come to any kind of perspective or viewpoint. The whole first part is generalities about nature; it's not until "I hold my breath" that it's clear this is a first-person narrative.
The other fairly major issue is that much of this is filler. I don't know why beginning poets insist on making everything rhyme, but you need to realize that rhyming is *hard*. If you're not careful, you end up with lines that fill out the rhyme scheme but don't really add anything to the poem.
Less importantly, you need to pay closer attention to your language. "Abound" is a verb, for example -- animals abound, but under no circumstances are they abound.
Linda asks…
How does this writing sound for my creative writing club? (It doesn't rhyme) It's called 'A life of roses'
Waking up with the light of the morning. I head outside, slowly approaching the garden. I look at the variety of colors around me: reds, blues, greens, browns... My gaze becomes transfixed on a single rose. Reaching down, I pluck it. As I hold it close, I see its petals are heavy with morning dew. It wets my hands, trickling down to soak my sleeve. As I examine it, a thought comes to mind. The rose is still a bud. Fresh, closed, but no longer able to grow. Those red petals look almost gloomy. If I had left the bud to grow, the result would have been magnificent. From that dark emptieness, a tumultuous surge of life would have occured. The abundance of soft petals would billow out in every direction, the rose releasing its scent, freely drawing in the light of the world. But I know that cannot happen, as I've pulled this flower out of its earth of nutrients. In this way, the rose might symbolize life. Within its glossy petals it contained the development of a precious life, ready
to burst forth in color and fragrance. Roses need nutrients to sustain growth, much like life. Its easy to have the necessities a rose needs, but they can also be reduced or taken away. Water evaporates under the warm sun. Dirt dries up to form rough, infertile mold. The sun can be concealed behind thick, whispy clouds. Roses can be denied the sustenance needed for living, much like people can be restricted of the necessities of life. Love, hope, confidence, happiness, pity, acceptance, generosity, calmness, bravery, forgiveness, satisfaction, friendship, admiration, desire, benevolence. All these things are needed but they can be changed into things that are the destruction of life. Hatred, disgust, cruelty, suspicion, disappointment, fear, agitation, anxiety, despair, distress, depression, anger, revenge, sadness, frustration, jealousy, grief, greed, confusion, rejection, malice. These things are either constantly avoided or expressed; they cause death, of the soul and of the m
admin answers:
I like the imagery, but you need to eliminate a few I's
Nancy asks…
My MMSS (Major Movie Star Sister)?
Hi!
This is the first part of my story called My MMSS (Major Movie Star Sister). Please read the first part and give me opinions and suggestions. Please no rude comments, because I'm only twelve so I know it's just a dumb story. Please tell me if you want to hear the second part. Thanks!
~~~~
“So, why do you like your sister? What does she do that’s really nice and really kind?”
“Nothing.”
“Excuse me?”
“She doesn’t do anything nice and kind, and I don’t like her. She’s mean and cranky and never gives me her stuff. Ugly, too.”
“Oh, um – really?”
“Yup. I like my brother though. He’s nice.”
“Just a sec. Tell us more about your sister.”
“Okay! She always – ”
I groaned and switched off the television, throwing myself back into the soft, plum couch. My head was swirling. Stupid, stupid, stupid. The word kept repeating itself in my mind. Fume blew out of my ears and I’m positive my face was tomato-red. My eyebrows were permanently drawn up in angry crisscrosses.
I looked around our huge living room, wanting to calm down. I didn’t even notice the wooden floor-boards, the plasma television, the brown coffee-tables, the grand piano, and the Oriental rugs. But what I did notice was the huge framed picture above the glass cabinet of little ornaments.
In the picture was a smiling girl in front of a backdrop of the ocean. Her curly jet-black hair fell over her shoulders, and her big, deep, dark blue eyes could melt a heart. Dimples were in her cheeks and her petite, rose-bud nose fit in perfectly with the rest of her fair features.
That girl was my sister.
Starr Love Everheart.
You’ve probably heard of her, haven’t you? She is a huge child celebrity, even though she’s only eight. She’s been in about, what, seven movies? And she’s also recorded a few cute little kid songs and voiced two or three cartoons. Everyone loves her and thinks she’s so adorable, with her button nose and curly ringlets and all.
But, as you can tell, I’m just a bit jealous of her.
Okay, okay. I guess I’m more than a bit jealous.
I mean, my parents think that it’s so cute that Starr’s famous, but whenever I ask them with a pretty please if they could get me in the business, they go, “No way. You’re thirteen years old and need to focus on your studies. We’ll get Jade settled down in a few years, too.”
Now, my parents work in the movie industry, as producers for big-time movies, so they could get me in a movie if they wanted to.
Read back on the words: wanted to.
When Starr was born, they wanted to name her something extraordinary. Maybe they knew she was going to be famous. Starr Love. Her actual name is Starr Love.
My name is really ordinary: Abby.
Couldn’t they have named me Elidorah Daydream or something? It sounds way cooler then Abby Winters.
Mom and Dad changed Starr’s last name to Everheart, because Starr Love Winters didn’t sound ‘famous’. (How does Starr Love Winters not sound famous?) Everheart is my great-aunt’s last name.
So I ask them, what do I sound like? Chopped liver? They don’t bother changing my last name to Everheart, which, by the way, was given by me.
(I was lounging around one day, moping about how I loved the last name Everheart, and the next thing I knew, it was Starr Love Everheart and Abby Winters. Unfair? You got it, buddy.)
In case you’re wondering, Starr isn’t the youngest, thank goodness. Or she’d be even more spoilt. My brother, Ross, is five and he loves Starr. He does anything she says and sometimes the two pair up against me. Sometimes I think it would be better if Starr actually was the youngest and Ross was like, fifteen or something. Then we could pair up against her.
Well, that day, I happened to be flipping through the channels on our huge, plasma television. The rest of the family had gone to this interview for Starr, and I didn’t want to go.
I mean, it was like rubbing salt in my wounds! (I happen to want to be an actress or singer when I grow up and I am still wanting.)
So, I was watching TV and then I saw this blown-up picture of Starr, striking her ‘movie-star pose’ in our garden, which is one hand on her head, the other hand on her hip. She was flashing a charming smile, her hair windblown.
“Child star, Starr Love Everheart, does it again as she stars in a hit comedy!” A voice said as the picture dissolved. A tall, leggy woman with bright pink and blonde hair sat on a strawberry-red couch with my sister beside her. I recognized the lady as Olivia Sky, a famous talk show host known world-wide. It was live that moment, probably the interview Starr was at now.
So then Olivia and Starr had the conversation about me (listed above) and stupid Starr started saying all that stuff.
Even when I wasn’t there, Starr just had to make fun of me.
After I turned the television off and looked around, I could feel my cheeks burning. I pushed back strands of black hair.
Everyone in school would be teasing me the next day, since eve
Sorry that the top got cut off. I didn't know that it would :(
Everyone in school would be teasing me the next day, since everyone is hooked on Olivia Sky.
I go to a private school, the same one as Starr. It’s called Sunnyvale Schools and I’ve been going there before Starr was famous and before she was born, so I know everyone. It’s a small school, and everyone also knows my parents’ jobs, so it was no surprise to them when Starr turned into a celebrity. Of course, some new kids always gawk and stuff, but I try not to let it bother me.
Sometimes I enjoy it. I’ve given seven autographs, as the sister of Starr Love! Of course, I know Starr has given tons more. Hundreds, to people she hardly even knows. Older people.
Then I remembered Starr and her insults against me.
Stupid, stupid, stupid Starr.
I wished she was never born.
I wished I would never see her face again.
Famous last words.
“I’m ho-ome!”
admin answers:
You will be a great writer one day, you are only 12 and you can write like this, not every one can do, I am not going to correct your grammar or critic your story, I only like to encourage you to write more and let someone who is good in English and in writing novel edit. Good luck
Betty asks…
Ladies, tell me your dream wedding?
I'm not going to get married for years but like every other girl I have some ideas.
I know I want a dress that looks like a corset in the back and has lace rose buds in the veil. I want a rose bouquet. (Rose theme wedding, which I think you have caught on by now) I want a rose ice sculpture in the punch. I want a sculpted candle (I saw it on How It's Made and thought it was beautiful) I also want to be taken away in a horse drawn carriage.
That's all I've thought of so far. I wonder why ladies do this...think about their wedding so early.
BTW, this is girls only. I don't want anyone telling me I'm crazy and too young (19) to be thinking of marriage.
Please and thank you!
admin answers:
I would get married in the Spring. My flowers would be a mixture of light colored tulips, and it would definitely be an outdoor wedding. I would have violinists instead of a pianist. My dress wold be simple but elegant, and my hair would long and fixed hanging down one side in big curls, and inside the big curls would be more little Spring-colored tulips. :)
And you're not crazy! I think about marriage just about every day, and I'm 18! :)
Chris asks…
Hi! Can you read my essay? And grade it? Like A, B, C?
The Best Era of Life
Life is a like a rose. We start as a seed in the ground, infancy, grow to be a sprouting bud, childhood, grow the sharp thorns,
adolescence, and finally grow to be a beautiful rose, adulthood. As life goes on we fade to a shriveling blossom, which is old age.
Childhood is the best era of one’s life. It is filled with unconditional love from parents; the imagination and creativity that adolesences often lose, and
the sweet innocence. Childhood is the era in life that makes each person their own and is the era to remember forever.
Love is a beautiful thing, b ut the love children get from their parents is extraordinary. A parent's love is the strongest type of love there is. Children go through childhood with two different types from their parents. The first kind is the love that supports children's dreams. Children have the upmost support from their parents to pursue their dreams, even if that includes driving across the city to gymnastics or soccer practice. Children have that love that sometimes is lost when one reaches adolesences and dreams often fade without the help of parents. A parent's love to support their child's dream is one of the best things in childhood. The second kind of love is the unconditional kind. Parents love their child more than anything in the universe: money, jewels, jobs, and even life itself. They would give up life for their child. A Chinese proverb says " To understand a parent's love one must raise children themselves." It is true and that love belongs to the child. The two types of childhood love are wonderful and only a child really knows what that love is all about. Imagination and creativity are also two factors in childhood that make childhood the most wonderful era of life.
Imagination and creativity are two ingrediants that make childhood the best era. Creativity and imagination are alive with the child. When a child gets a hold of a drawing untensil anything is possible. Their drawings make the most creative masterpeices look dull. The imagination and creativity doesnt end with that. Games about being20magical creatures, sailing boats across the sea, casting spells, and having magnificent tea parties are just an ounce of what a child's mind can do. Elizabeth Lawerence once said "There is a garden in every childhood, an enchanted place where colors are brighter, the air softer, and the morning more fragrant than ever again." Childhood can only possess that garden and it is everything that Elizabeth Lawerence said. Imagination and creativity are the founders of that garden. Imagination and creativity are a children's partner in childhood. Sweet innocence is another thing that is found in childhood.
In childhood, children have the sweet innocence that adolesences wish they never lost. A child's innocence makes them see the world in a better light; a world without war or poverty. Their innocence makes them not know the problems of the world or the worries of a parent. When a child looks at a person they find their perfections, not their flaws. It is something that adolesences and adults dont have anymore. They look at someone and all they see is their flaws. The quote by Sheryl Crow states that "being around children that small, one sees how they naturally gravitate to light. They are not cynical yet." Sheryl Crow is right. They are not cynical yet. The innocence of childhood seems to forbid that. Children see the world through better eyes. The innocence of a child is the best thing about childhood.
Childhood is the most incredible era. Children are loved by their parents, are20creative and imagintive, and incredibly innocent. Childhood is the most important era because it gives them confidence to succed and ideas to make them flourish. "Only in childhood do we ever have the chance of making dreams come true when they mean everything,"- Unknown. That is true. Only in childhood can one make dreams come true.
admin answers:
I agree go through and check your spelling and grammar, otherwise it is a beautiful essay. An instructor once told me the story read it from end to beginning; you are not caught-up in the story and can see your mistakes easier.
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